He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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