The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...