i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
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getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen