i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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