So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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