sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
