There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She needs sedatives and a leash
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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