I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
