Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
