I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
