just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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