Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm too high and old for this...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
