I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My pussy is not your playground.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
