I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
