it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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