the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
