i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
