I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
