Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
