she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
