I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
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if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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