I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
