I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
