Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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