I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
