Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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