My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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