True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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