i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
