i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
