My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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