Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
