Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
