Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
