He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
