Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
