Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
