I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
