The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
