i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
