Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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