That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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