I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
