my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just cropdusted the office
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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