did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
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It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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