I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
