I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
