it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
