I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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