I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
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So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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