So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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