did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
