Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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