I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You left your phone here
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