My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
