OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
